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Face(book) Reality

On: Monday, March 26, 2012

If you've been flirting with the idea of joining Facebook, here are some tips on what to expect. The rules: 
  1. A lot depends on your age group. Experiences will differ. There are four age groups (see below.)
  2. Crossover is always awkward. A picture of granny in a bikini on a young person's page sucks as much as a picture of a 16 year old on granny's page. Well, most of the time.
  3. Watch out for creeps. Peeping Toms probably invented Facebook. And the internet.  They definitely invented Polaroid and digital cameras (umm, thank you.)
  4. ALL AGE GROUPS have the following in common: gossip, flirting, badmouthing, axe-grinding, crying, photos that reveal too much, the best personalities and the worst. Just like real life!
Now here are the 4 age groups. Categorize yourself, STAY WITH YOUR GROUP and PLAY BY THE RULES!

Group 1, Up to 18 years old
  1. gossip, flirting, badmouthing, crying
  2. Keep it all private all the time, you knuckleheads.
  3. Girls: talk to your moms about boys. They are all bad. And keep your damn clothes on.
  4. Boys: shouldn't have a computer anyway. 10% school, 90% bad intentions. I was a boy, I know.
  5. Parents: wake up and be parents!
Group 2, 18-30 years old
  1. gossip, flirting, badmouthing, crying
  2. Expect photos that reveal too much (hooray!)
  3. drunken and puking photos - who wants to see that?
  4. pics at bars, clubs, (good times!)
  5. school and some job-type photos. These make money for FB
Group 3, 30 - 55  years old
  1. gossip, flirting, badmouthing, crying
  2. photos that reveal too much (gotta be in shape! LOOK IN THE MIRROR FIRST)
  3. drunken and puking photos (sad now)
  4. pics at bars, clubs (reunions now)
  5. school and job-type photos
  6. photos of grandchildren and some pets 
Group 4, 55-100 years old 
  1. gossip (more), flirting (more), badmouthing (less), crying (more), INSULTS (funny)
  2. "Facebook Confessional", finally revealed feelings for another. Actually, serves everyone well. Do it.
  3. late life connections (very nice!)
  4. photos that reveal too much (not so much now but please stop!)
  5. photos in a hospital replace drunken and puking photos
  6. pics at bars, clubs - who recognizes anyone? Use comments!
  7. school photos - we've come full circle
  8. mostly photos of pets and some of grandchildren
  9. reading very sad news is the worst reason to go to Facebook, expect many punches to the gut when you find out who left us.

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