New Age Sex On Christmas Day

Got this awesome offer this morning. Who's with me?

how-do-you-do?... Really hope that u shall remember what you let me know, in that page we met at, but I never returned there.
What I truly want is to encounter men and have lots of fun, not just type into my laptop.
Because of my older sister's pressure I could get you to fatd my atfo at ezs3x c-o-m get at -biu450- there... 
I hope that you can reach me there and be sure to post your pic to make sure I don't get confused :)
I will be waiting seriously, so don t take too long.. 

Vita Hersha <fredrickaity@uymail.com>

---

.

Star Trek Enterprise Vs Miley Cyrus

Priceless!

---

.

One Reason To Be On Facebook

Some pretty funny mug shots of man's best friend. What a guilty looking bunch!

CLICK EACH TO GET A BETTER LOOK

---

.

Pat Robertson, On Walt Disney World's "Gay Days"

"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you ... It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."

Former winners (click to read): 

Headline: Radical Girl Scouts Out To Destroy American Family Values

Editorial: Lawmaker Wants Public PJ Ban

Headline: China Bans Time Travel Stories On TV

It's OK, he simply forgot that it's 2010...

---

.

Repost: Nigerian Scam? Food For Thought

Wish I could take credit for this video. it's a sketch on the Nigerian eMail Scam.


Watch this video before you hit that [DELETE] key

Thanks, Philbert! 

---

Wish I Said That Department

Deja Poo: The feeling that you've heard this crap before. 

---

The Day Wrestling Died

As an teenager in the 1960s I loved watching wrestling on TV, when it was "really real", as Bruno Sammartino reigned supreme.

During one interview the camera was pulled back *just* enough so that, during a wrestler's rant, I saw the interviewer tap the wrestler's foot with his own foot. The rant abruptly ended, just when I thought that the interview was really spinning out of control.

The curtain was drawn back and I saw the great Oz for who, and what it actually was. Wrestling, for me, went in the pooper, more devastating than if Bruno himself crushed me into submission with his most famous closing moves: the Bearhug, the Hammerlock or the Pendulum backbreaker.

---

Sad, But True!

Years ago we commissioned an "original" oil painting to be produced by a local guy.  For guidance, we told him we wanted to cover a fairly large wall space in our living room and we suggested a color palette (sophisticated be we!) 

YEARS go by and I see the same painting in a movie. The movie was called "X-Rated" and was a bio-pic on porn's Mitchell Brothers.

Sigh.

---

Battle Of Wits

I'm Too Sexy...

Regular visitors to our home are familiar with Romeo, one of our two loving Pit Bulls.

Our daily competition starts at the crack of dawn (that’s where they found Tony Orlando.) I enjoy a morning coffee with one cookie; he covets that cookie. I believe that’s one of the doggie commandments.

There’s a daily battle of wits, me trying to sneak a snack without him taking it and Romeo, mooch pooch deluxe, trying to catch me.

Plotting His Next Ambush

This morning I tried to sneak my one cookie, taking a bite while in the kitchen out of sight, then walking to the dining room with the cookie hidden in my hand held tightly against my leg.  Dear Romy coordinates his attack, meeting me at the chair, feigning interest in ME by reaching up to “kiss” me, and I expect a lick on the face. Instead, he smells my lips, his head jerks back and he furrows his brow. He-satisfied, me-caught. He whimpers and my shoulders slump, beaten again in the battle for the remains of my one cookie. Romeo-1, Jim-0.

---

Instructions For Manly Men

Early today I was at the supermarket and I came across an attractive lady browsing the donut table. Since I am always flirting and never miss an opportunity to show I am a twit wit, I pulled out my best pick-up lines thus:

1 - Oh, I wanted that one... (when she reached for a box of donuts.)

•     failed (but I got a smile)

2 - at the deli counter I took a ticket, waiting to be served. The count was at 21 and I pulled ticket #82 since ticket dispenser was not in use. She reached to get a ticket, I said "Here, you can have mine..."

•      failed (she said that was generous of me, I said "#82, I'm just kidding...)

3 - we bumped shopping carts turning a corner, and I said "you know, 3 times and we are automatically friends. Or maybe you heard that I won $20,000,000 in the lottery and you are stalking me."

•       epic fail. Nervous smile.

After that, a staff member followed me though the store until I finished shopping, and out to my car. I think he wrote down my license plate number.

Well I guess being a funny guy can be taken two ways. Ha-Ha funny or Ewweew funny.

(This is a true story. At one time these lines would have worked. Now that I have gotten old, fat, wrinkled, old and fat, and... OK, I have a bad memory too, none of this crap works any more. Shit, I don't remember if it ever did. Damn. Any help would be appreciated.) COMMENT BELOW.

---

Headline: Radical Girl Scouts Out To Destroy American Family Values

Full Story

"(Bob) Morris (Indiana) alleged that the Girl Scouts of America and the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts "have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood," which he claimed is trying to "sexualiz(e) young girls through the Girl Scouts."

Even worse, he wrote, only three of the 50 role models promoted by the Girl Scouts have even "a briefly-mentioned religious background." "All the rest are feminists, lesbians, or Communists..." And there's more, read the full story before your next meal!

VS-UC editorial:

Jeez, where do I begin? How did this person get elected without a clause requiring that he continue medication or suffer a recall? Are these the wishes and desires of his constituents? 

In a related story, the representative from the colorfully named sister city Dodge Reason, Indiana, Independent Party rep Sly Douche (the French pronunciation) stood firm behind his brother representative, confirming that the Boy Scout organization is, in fact, run by aliens, "the kind from another world", he said, adding quickly that he did not want to offend traditional good 'ole "foreign invaders" from places like Mexico and, say, Guam. His quote: "them there alien Boy Scout leaders are, by definition, godless since they were not created by the Big Guy himself, who is not a fan of mixing cultures, lesbians and commies - and yes, that's in the O-riginal bible." 

He went on to say that he and Bob Morris will form a partnership against the Girl and Boy Scouts, using the catchphrase "But That Ain't Right!" and hope that  other "But Buddies" join them in their righteous cause. 

That's Representative Bob Morris, a Republican representing Fort Wayne.

---

Headline: Roseanne Barr Running For President

CNN-HLN: Roseanne Barr is running for president. She hopes to become the Green Party candidate.

VS-UC Editorial:

Just to clarify, that's running for the President Of The United States (that's a real job in a place where many of us live, including me.)   If elected, she promises to change her title from "President" to  "Domestic Goddess Of The United States" (nickname: Dog-ess). Opponents are airing her performance of her Star Spangled Banner to raise awareness.  She has chosen Professor Irwin Corey as her running partner, says Pauly Shore, her campaign manager.

Recall proceedings are already being planned, just in case something batshit crazy happens. Hey, Bush Jr. was elected, true?

---

Editorial: Lawmaker Wants Public PJ Ban

Full Article: CNN  Headline News

Cabbo County Commissioner Michael Williams says he wants to ban people from wearing pajamas in public, because "The moral fiber in America is dwindling ... Because it's pajama pants today, next it will be underwear tomorrow."

VS-UC editorial:

OK, there's serious personal impact here that moves me to speak out on this issue. 

First, if this concept gains momentum around the country it will seriously affect my morning slog out to the mailbox. Having to remove my pajamas first will further shock my already ornery neighbors. Nobody, not even my dogs, wants to see me out of my clothes. I don't like to see that myself.

Second, I like to see ladies/women in pajamas in public because it lubricates my fantasy that they just got out of, or want to get into bed, with ME. Umm, maybe that should have been my first point.

Third, if the ban on pajamas in public somehow leads to wearing only underwear in public, then I support this ban. But there should be a clause stating "for women only, and between the ages of 18 and, say, 35 and only if they are in good shape." Yeah, that's the ticket!


What's next, a ban on Togas Parties? Get serious, Louisiana!

---

Einstein and Anti-Einstein

---

Corn For The Watercooler 3

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Corn For The Watercooler 2

---

Artery: The study of paintings. Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Dilate: To live long.
Fibula: A small lie.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day.
Node: Was aware of.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Corn For The Watercooler

---

ABDICATE:  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

ARBITRATOR:  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.

ATHEISM: a non-prophet organization (George Carlin)

AVOIDABLE:  What a bullfighter tries to do.

BALDERDASH:  A rapidly receding hairline.

BARIUM:  What we do to most people when they die.

CANTALOUPE:  Gotta get married in a church.

CATALOGS:  Rails used to build cow fences.

COFFEE:  A person who is coughed upon.

COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

CONTROL:   A short, ugly inmate.

HEROES:  What a guy in a boat does. 

IMPREGNABLE:  A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

MISTY: How golfers create divots.

MYTH:  A female moth.

MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.

OYSTER:  A person who sprinkles conversation with Yiddish expressions. 

POLYGON:  A dead parrot.

PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

PRIMATE:  Removing your husband from in front of the TV.

PRIVATE TUTOR:  Someone who doesn't fart in public.

SEAMSTRESS:  Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Jackie Vernon

Jackie Vernon was a favorite of mine. I saw him on live TV back in the day. He had a kind of high pitched voice and a Gleason-esque look, shiny/slick hair and was a little on the heavy side. He often carried a trumpet which he played now and then. His delivery was deadpan.  

I clearly remember this bit in which he is showing slides of a recent trip to the Everglades. He had only a clicker, the photos were implied.
 

[click]   Here's the guide I got. His name was Guido. Very famous guide, in fact he was known as Guido the Guide.

[click] Here's Guido the Guide leading me around a bed of quicksand.

[click]  Here's Guido the Guide from the waist up.

[click]  That's his hat right there.

[click]  Here's the rescue party rushing to his aid.

[click]  Here's the rescue party from the waist up.

[click]  And here we have a lot of hats and ropes and things.

[click]  Here's my next guide, Son of Guido the Guide.

[click]

[click]

[click] That's his hat... 

---

.

UPDATE: CHINA BANS HUMAN BEINGS

China has taken the next logical step in their plan to have a perfect, obedient society. Since citizens no longer have human rights and all thinking has been banned, they've chosen to turn their citizens into trees (men) shrubs (women) and houseplants (children.)   Citizens will be planted outside their homes commencing May 1st, just in time for the spring/summer growing season. In a move some consider borderline controversial, trees, shrubs and plants will not be allowed to flower, as that may inspire other trees and plants to do likewise. 

Committee leaders will continue in their current roles as old-growth stumps.

UPDATE: CHINA BANS THINKING

Reacting to widespread criticism from Chinese citizens and world leaders, China expanded their earlier ban on  time travel and similar fantasy television plots so that their updated policy now bans 'thinking'.

State Administration leaders feel that if 'not thinking' is good enough for them, it's good enough for the average Chinese citizen. 

They further added that they will not be able to make further changes to the policy since that would be, well, thinking about it. Which they can't do anymore.